I posted a picture on my personal instagram a few weeks back. It wasn’t a very good pic, I had no makeup on, and it was very obvious to the people who know me that I’d gained over 20 lbs since moving to California last July. My friend, who follows me on instagram, looks at my picture on her feed and comments “you have my dream body”.
I have someone’s dream body. Me, at my heaviest weight, a size 13 in jeans, a size 38E bra, is “ideal” for someone. Years of nitpicking at my hair, skin, body… all to be seen as someone’s “dream”? WTF?! I felt like I was the one dreaming.
I’m not exactly sure how to feel about my body and how much weight I’ve gained. Some days I am completely horrified when I look in the mirror, angry at myself for “letting myself go”. Other days I feel incredibly sexy and revel in all my curves.
Occasionally, I am overyjoyed.
My friend’s words have never left me. I am thin. I am fat. I have weight to lose. I am hungry. I don’t want to work out. I want to be thin, but I want big boobs still. My stomach looks pregnant. My legs are too short. I am average looking…
but I am someone’s dream. Hopefully one day, I’ll be my own dream. I hope it’s soon.
Lots of Love.